Seeking Disapproval
“I highly recommend being disapproved of once in a while. It’s very freeing because you learn that you survive.” ~ Fran Liataud.
A friend of mine, Fran, took a workshop in which participants were asked to reflect upon and then list their single greatest fear. Many of the respondents listed things like, “death”, “fear of becoming ill”, or “fear for my son’s safety”. Fran’s was, “being disapproved of”. It was eye opening for her. “Being disapproved of? Come on! That’s my greatest fear?” she thought to herself. “I need help!”
I have at times taken my people-pleasing role as seriously as Fran had taken hers. In fact, I wonder if it is my biggest fear as well. It is certainly not one of the usual list toppers. For example, it is not public speaking. I do that for a living and love it. It is not death. I’m a Hospice volunteer, I am not afraid of death. In fact, one of my favorite quotes is,
“The soul leaves a body as a school boy jumps through a school door — suddenly, and with joy. There is no horror in death.” ~from the movie, “A Rumor of Angels”.
(But now I’m making all the rest of you freaked out, so I’ll continue my assertion.)
The point is that as she tells this story, I see myself in it completely. I remember the sudden realization at 37 years old that I had no idea who I was. I had lived most of my life being “Gold Star Girl”, a name applied to me by my writing coach some years ago. You know, the kind who is busy doing what others think is the “right thing” while not having a single notion of what really matters to her.
Who were these “others” who were so influential? First, my parents. They urged me, “Become an engineer. It’s good pay and a secure job.” They valued that quite a bit, having had eight children. Yet as an engineer, I was like the proverbial round peg in a square hole.
Second, it was a consulting client – I called him “the vortex” because he consumed so much of his staff’s (and my) life. “Come, be a part of my team and we’ll develop new products for amazing markets!” This was his entrepreneurial dream. Not mine. The list goes on. In fact, at one point in my life, I drew apicture of myself and my formula for success: Success = what everyone else says it is!
So at the moment in my life when I realized I didn’t have a clue who I was, the worse part was that I feared I stood for nothing. I had no picture of myself outside of what I had created by following others’ dreams or values. Naturally this sent shock waves though me. And for the next several years, I began to unearth the Jenny that only an inner voice knew. It was terrifying. It is the subject of a manuscript I have written, so I won’t continue it here. Accept to say that as time went on, new interests stirred in me. Passions I did not know I had (like songwriting) – or was too afraid to mention – began to bloom.
Now, entranced in a whole new life for myself, I wonder, did Gold Star Girl really die? Would I be willing to actively “seek disapproval” to prove it?
As evidence that at least one other has done this, I present my amazing friend, Fran, once again. Did I mention that as a personal learning challenge she prayed for situations where she would have the opportunity to stand firm in disapproval? Oh, yes, the universe is amazingly supportive in giving you what you ask for. And she got them – loads of opportunities! In one of the worst, she simply bombed at an important workshop for scientists. These scientists routinely thrashed speakers for sport. She was afraid to speak to large groups. They wanted data. She had heartfelt experiential data. The sought to critically analyze her assertions. She wanted them to talk about their feelings. When she describes how truly awful it was, I squirm. This would be a fate worse than death.
But here’s the kicker: she didn’t cave. She stood in the fire of their disapproval and smiled. She also continued to put herself in front of large groups, learning as she went about how to simply be herself and let the rest be okay.
Today, she is no longer afraid to speak to large groups. She now stands firm with her experiential data. And guess what? People LOVE her. Okay, it may not be scientists that are her target market. But she is changing perspectives, beliefs – and lives.
So, it seems in this life of duality – both business consulting and songwriting – that a song has emerged out of holding this idea of seeking disapproval. Perhaps it is the start of actually doing it. In my experience, once I write a song, I am much more inclined to “live into it”.
Here is the chorus:
Seeking disapproval from a whole bunch of people.
Why does that seem like fate worse than death?
Watching their arms cross and lips purse in judgment
Give me that learning again and again.
What is your biggest fear? How might you lean into that resistance?
Fran leaned. I’m leaning. Go ahead, lean a little.